Dear Andrew

To my dearest Andrew,

It's currently 2am in the morning. And you know what they say, people are the most honest during this time of the night. Let me warn you beforehand that this is going to be a really long letter and I will try my best to put more spaces between paragraphs so your eyes don't die. Because I know you don't like reading long passages. I will definitely not try to keep it short because I want you to know everything. And I hope you will bear with me and really finish reading everything because I bared my heart in this.

A few short hours ago, believe me or not, all I wished for was for you to get back so that I can meet you just so that I could scold you and make you see all the damage you've done. You have no idea how much you've destroyed me inside out. I haven't managed to cry all this time because i was crying inside. And believe me when I say I sincerely wanted to hurt you real badly. I wanted to screw you up so badly for fucking so hard with me. (Literally and not literally) When I was angry, I wanted you to feel worse than the pain I felt. 

On the Thursday I first saw the picture on instagram, I was stunned. I actually cracked my phone throwing it on cement ground. Because as bad as people used to say you used to be, I didn't believe it until I saw it for myself. Almost everyone warned me about getting into a relationship with you, but I chose to give you a shot because you did seem pretty convincing I must say. My head (and everyone else) is telling me that, logically, you might not have even genuinely loved me right from the start. But my heart just believes that you really did care for me at first, because I could feel it. It really does get a bit hazy thinking back about the times when you showed concern because now that my eyes are opened I myself am not sure if there was an ulterior motive or not. 

Honestly you have shown me hell. You let me see how selfish and ugly people can be. But it's not your fault. Society molded you in this way. You made me, for a moment, lose faith in this word called trust. I felt like everything I've ever known was a lie, because it is unfortunately true that we will never know what is going on in someone's mind, and this incident just reaffirmed this fact even more. I am not as stupid as you think I am alright....I do actually know the full story, just that I didn't wanna let you know for personal reasons. I know that the first time you saw her was not in person. You say she's a friend, technically that's true, but I believe that is not your intention. And I do know too that she's not the only one. I saw all the thai girls on your instagram, but I chose to ignore it and chose to think that maybe you just found them really good looking or whatever. 

You think I don't see things. I feel alot. I just kept it all in my own head. You care about your image too much, including which girl you have to show off to your friends. You don't like to lose. Which I believe might be one of the reasons you tried to get me. I'm not blaming you, you know. I think you might know yourself well enough. Just that you're so numb to your personality that it's all okay behavior to you. 

But then you have shown me heaven. Even small little things. It really touches me. Something as simple as always picking lemon tea just because you know I don't like soft drinks. Making sure I reach my doorstep safely when it's late. Not forgetting the big things too. Planning my birthday. I have never had someone put in so much effort into surprising me on my birthday. I know I have mentioned it to you a billion times. It just shows how much is means to me. Trust me when you've had the worst, every small little thing will be that much more precious. Andrew you don't know how grateful I am, for that little piece of heaven you gave to me.

But hold on I have my fair share too. Most of the things I have done for you I am sure you are unaware of it. You wanna hear the headphone story? Truth is, I lied. Shortly after the person changed his mind. I saw how you've been so stressed up and moody about not having enough money. And I saw how happy you were after hearing the news and I couldn't bear to disappoint you. I hated that you were so burdened by everything yet I could do nothing about it. I really wanted to at least ease one part of your burden. So I refunded the person. And gave you the extra $270 and it was slightly hard for me to get by for awhile because I had very little money left. There are a lot of other things I do in secret but this is just an example.

 I didn't tell you this to make you feel guilty and neither do I want the money back. What I'm trying to tell you is that the money wasn't important. All I wanted was to see you happy again and everything was worth it. You might think this is stupid right hahaha. Well I am stupid in love. People tell me to put only 50% in this relationship. But I can't. I either give 200% or nothing at all. How do you give half your heart?

I learnt that I had to be smarter in loving someone because I do still need to protect myself. But to me, being in a relationship meant being vulnerable. It meant opening yourself up and trusting the person to take good care of you. Within the one month after you told me that you needed some time to reevaluate our relationship, (which I now realised wasn't really your motive) my whole world turned upside down. I lived everyday with this cloud above my head. I tried so hard to pretend I was happy, and also to pretend that it didn't bother me in front of you because I knew that would push you away. You stopped calling me baby. You stopped asking me out and saying that you missed me. You gave lesser and lesser kisses and you were always on your phone when we were out. You held my hand lesser and I could feel you were growing further and further away from me. 

You really have no idea how a simple babe/darling made my whole day. I gave up on baby because I felt that you were probably never gonna call me that again haha. So I was okay with settling for something less. All those times you said I was short/childish, I laughed it away and pretended that it didn't hurt me. When you said that taller girls were classier etc, it hurt me, especially with my history of body image issues, but I didn't defend myself, and instead felt that you were right and it was true that I was not perfect enough. I suffered from bulimia and anorexia on and off since I was 17. But ever since everything you told me, and all the pretty skinny girls you showed me, I was throwing up 80% of my meals. All those times I came back with my eyes red from the toilet, it wasn't because I was 'choking' or 'having a bad stomach', it was simply because you didn't care enough to observe. And I know you are actually a very observant person. 

All those frustrated and helpless moments I kept it to myself because I really didn't want to give you additional stress. I had hope, regardless of how small it was. Until I found out the whole story and it broke me. Felt like an idiot. Like everyone was outside the glass watching the show. Everyone knew what was happening except stupid me, foolishly hoping and waiting for you to come back. I was saddened by how you could bear to trample all over this stupid girl who gave you everything she could, even when there was nothing left to give. 

You call me childish, and I don't deny. Because it takes an immature girl to just skydive into a relationship without first observing the guy. I'm immature because I followed my heart too much despite my brain and common sense telling me that something was wrong. I'm childish because I foolishly gave too much of myself too quickly that it was easy to take for granted. 

I'm not saying I know everything, but I do know that you do have your plans. And you are always in control of the situation. You know the right things to do and say to make me behave in a certain way. You've been in the game long enough I'm sure this is all not new to you. I know that right up to the very end you still weren't telling me the whole truth. That part I do know of you. I know I am not your priority with regards to the thai girl. 

Andrew you know I am spending time writing this to you not because I want to blame you for anything. Sure I might still be a tiny bit angry. But I can't deny that I do love you just as a person, I still care about you and I definitely still want to see you be happy and safe in your life ahead. I know I cannot change you but I hope I am speaking with the real Andrew inside. All I hope is that you will open your eyes and see what you are doing to yourself. I don't want you to live your whole life being deceptive and dishonest to everyone around you and you especially you yourself. Because at the end of the day, friends are impressed, games are won, but so what? Is this all there is that can satisfy you? Does it truly make you happy for a long time when your friends are jealous of your pretty gf with long legs? Babe beauty wears away. Does it really take a cheating gf to keep you? Just so that you always have the chase? I don't want you to be sitting alone many years later wondering what you are doing with your life. 

I gave my best to you. It won't be easy to find girls willing to bare so much. My ex boyfriend recently just texted me saying that he still regrets dropping me for a pretty face. One day you'll come to realise that it really is this simple. It might be boring for now but in future it will be solace. Do you wanna come home wondering if your wife is really at work or at the club? Or do you want to always be a 100% sure, without a doubt, that she will always be there for you and that she will never lie to you? 

I probably have more to say but at the moment this is all I remember. I really really hope that you will seriously sit down and think about everything. Thank you for all the love and TLCe you've given, even if it's within those 5 short months. Please stay safe in Thailand and please don't trust the girls there so easily. Use condom or smth haha. I hope you'll be truly happy in whatever decisions you make. I have never regretted loving you and you'll always be someone dear to me. Take care alright? ;) 

I'm back here again. And it all feels all too familiar. 

Why can't happy moments last forever? 

Please, God.. Please let this time be made right....

Work passed quickly today because we were slacking most of it off hahaha except for lunch when I was asked to pick up simply because there was no other alternative person but all was good (:

But gosh I ate so much today ):

Hi World

I would like to start off on a pretty good note, but I am really unsure about certain things.

So I guess I will just fast forward to the main topic and probably my main concern for the past few weeks.

Many people probably had tons of failed relationships that make it seem like having fear is indeed valid. It would sound exaggerated, but this one past relationship of my own would, in my dictionary, pass as one that was highly traumatizing, exhausting, and probably has changed me to become the girlfriend I am today: fearful, cautious, but deeply appreciative of and yearning for every little piece of love and tenderness this one special man has promised to show. 

Having once put myself through such an ordeal has led to me looking up (and paying quite a bit for) endless self help books; poring over the internet for damsels in similar distresses just to reassure myself that I am not the only ridiculously dumb woman out there agreeing to such terms and desperately hoping to acquire the full attention of the boy I emptied my heart loving. That's just the thing about me, though: I either love 10000% or I don't talk to you at all. I didn't use to believe in holding back positive emotions, and so in my own boring way I tried to find ways and means to show said ex boyfriend how much I loved him every single day. I never got tired of it. And it (the boringness included) all probably got a little bit overwhelming. 

And so I toned it all down.

I withheld the smallest hint of emotion. I acted like it was no big deal. I smiled and laughed appropriately. Every text, every emotion exchanged mattered: they all had to be happy and they all had to portray me as the carefree and independent woman I ought to be in order to keep that particular guy at that point of time interested. I couldn't afford to reveal anything because I couldn't afford to let anything go out of control. I was this whole entangled mess I thought I had control of, when in fact any single passing thought or text could send me crashing all the way down, to ground zero. I hated what I was.

Four months later, heartbroken over a guy I barely knew and fell head over heels  for (and after a failed confession that went mostly wrong and ended with an awkward hug), a totally unexpected romance swept me off my feet. And just for that brief moment, I could hardly believe anything that was happening at all. I had a best friend closer than my very own sister that genuinely cared about whether I had breakfast, AND - hear this, a man who made me feel like the luckiest woman on planet earth. It all sounds pretty exaggerated and all, but trust me, when you've had such a fucked up relationship, this good a thing would bring you down to your knees in tears. 

Three months passed in a flurry of excitement/extreme happiness and pretty much most of the time I was just dazed and shaking my head at how good life could actually get. It shocks me now thinking back that I was actually in such a state- actually not worrying about a single thing at all every passing day and just reveling in those continuous moments that just went like BAM BAM BAM one after another. Trust me no words can ever describe. 

Thus it was coined the honeymoon period

To be honest, I do miss it from time to time, if not everyday. Just a random list of things that used to occur:

1. Being asked if I would be sad if he couldn't meet up with me/send me home

2. Immediate after-parting texts

3. Hour-long phone calls on my house phone while he sat beside the pool below his house

4. The frequent reassurances that he was  serious about me and could see a long future ahead of us

5. The frequent spontaneous sex (just being honest here)

6. Lengthy sincere reply texts

7. Good morning texts

8. Baby>>>>>babe (AND SWEETHEART/DARLING WTF) even 'my dear' >>>>>>>babe )':

9. Longer hugs

10. More escalator hugs

11. More escalator kisses

12. More PDA (not even kidding here, and pls do not misinterprete I am not sex crazed)

13. More 'I love you very very much's>>>>>>>> love ya/love you

14. More surprise hugs/kisses at work

And the list goes on..

It's not hard to be sad and bitter thinking why so many of these things have lessened/stopped and it's so easy to start doubting him and the relationship itself. But it's time to stop myself and actually realise that he is fundamentally human too. And a boy at that. No matter how enticing and promising he might have seen at first, I have to accept that they were all sincere, yet sugar-coated, honey-sweetened promises, just because we were in the honeymoon period. (cue honeymoon avenue by Ariana grande)

As much as I want him to stay that way, it is virtually impossible to return to the way things were. Perhaps we fell out of that puppy love, starstruck phase and settled ourselves down in a committed and pretty much 20 years married kind of relationship; perhaps it happened way too fast. 

But sometimes in remembering how he didn't text me at all after we went our own separate ways post mini date, I forget that he sent me all the way to my doorstep; and I forget how he instinctively reached out and held my hand tight while we casually strolled. 

I tell myself that I do actually appreciate everything, no matter how small it is that he's done, but deep down inside I honestly and selfishly and discontentedly bemoan and grumble and sigh about the things he used to do and now stopped. 

It so hard, to be truthful, to accept how we are now, because of the euphoria that once existed. It makes me want to drum my fists against the wall, and scream 'why don't you continue doing all those things and give me some fucking sense of security?!' 

I sincerely do not want to fall back into that very cycle I managed to barely scramble out of. 

I want to love as it is. I don't want to be calculative of deeds or words or even promises. I want to laugh and joke and make him smile. I want to be the person, if not the only person that he completely bares himself to. I don't want to be lied to. I want you to tell me how you feel and what is actually going on in your life. I want you to be happy. I don't ask to be your whole life but at least let me be a special part of it. I pray hope that you will only be honest, sincere and genuine to me. I believe with all my heart that what we have is real and lasting. And believe me when I say I love every single thing about us; even the silent moments or the times spent scowling at the 'stupid driver' who was honestly too dumb to deserve a license. Everything, I swear. 

I love you, I really do.